you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
Randomize
