My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
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