No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
I haven't been this sober since birth.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
its liver damage thursday
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
Randomize
