i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
Randomize
