it's taking a lot of effort to be mature and not reply to her with like a video of bestiality porn
he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
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