i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
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