i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
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