Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
Randomize
