Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
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