"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
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