half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
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