my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
Ill bet we could have atleast fucked a girl who fucked a guy who has fucked tara reid. That's a famous circle right?
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
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