I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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