Lavender boy was great at seduction and crappy in bed.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
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