if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Randomize
