What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
Randomize
