I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
Randomize
