The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
Randomize
