Its only 8 and she is already passed out
Perfect here is wht u do. Gently slip your index middle and ring finger into her butt hole but gently u dont wnt to wake her..let me know when ur ready for step 2
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
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