god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
