I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Randomize
