This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
Randomize
