so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
Randomize
