Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Tanner. All u drink. 10 bckaa. Locked in Porto potty outside. Constructed area. Main strrrreeeett. Fuck. Help. Pleese
Randomize
