I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
My balls are so social today.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
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