There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
Itll be like a collage of penis. And not that abstract, one penis in a big painting contemporary shit. Collage....
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize
