im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
The Olympian is in my bed
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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