You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
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