Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Randomize
