You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
