im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
you want my honest opinion? I'm sure refering to her vagina as the "bat cave" was your first mistake.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Randomize