it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
i dont think there is any level of not caring that i havent covered in the last month
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
tell me about the fingering
Randomize
