Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
Randomize
