just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
Randomize
