It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
Randomize
