apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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