My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Randomize
