She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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