how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
Randomize
