My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
who has a one night stand on Christmas ? But he's pretty attractive so thumbs up
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
Randomize