Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
Randomize
