Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
Randomize
