The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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