I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
