i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
Naked. naked and bneed help.
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
Randomize
