so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
