My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
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