Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
Randomize
