You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize