Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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