you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
I got inside last night via doggy door
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
I guess you could say that.. I mean, we did walk in on our DD doing a keg stand thru her ass.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
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