found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
did he really ask u insert a warm banna in ur anal?
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
Pushiiing vjews 4 ma daz caik
Lyk hr kuds 4
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
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