hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
Dave a horae rider a coqw boy
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Randomize
