A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
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