My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize