dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Randomize
