Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
