some dude just recognized me causeg he had a pic of us making out onvhis phone
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
