Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
ya, but you'll graduate college with a higher education. I'm looking at at least two addictions, an abortion, and a few weeks jail time.
We just shotgunned beers for America
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
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