My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
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