He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
I woke up under a house in Key West
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